Everyone Has A Fear
Everyone has a fear. For some it may be as big as the fear of death and for others it could be as tiny as the fear of spiders. No matter how big or small the fear is, it still plays a huge role on a person.
My fear in life is an MRI machine. I have had over 40 Magnetic Resonance Imaging performed on me and it has seriously taken a toll on my overall state of mind. Since it all started at the age of 7, I was completely fine being in an MRI machine for hours. I remember having headphones on and listening to any type of music I requested, but nothing could drown out the noise of the machine. There was so much clicking and banging, circling and knocking, that nothing could distract you from it. My parents sat in the room with me through every single one of the scans and up till this day I have no idea how they managed to not go crazy. Not only did I have to spend hours in the machine because they had to scan my brain and spine, but it also had to be a closed MRI machine because my titanium rods, which muted the reflection a bit more. As time went on, I had to continue having MRI’s performed because that was the only scans able to see my tumors. I don’t know if the fear is because I am now in a wheelchair and cannot escape on my own, if it’s the horrific noise the machine makes, or if it is the results that I receive every time, but I am now traumatized by the sight, sound, or anything to do with an MRI machine. If I see the machine, my heart rate immediately increases rapidly. I also have to be put under complete anesthesia now for any MRI scan because of how distress I become, the only thing is, it’s getting harder and harder to wake up from the anesthesia, eventually making it not safe to use anymore.
Some may think that this is a flimsy excuse for having this fear but I guess there are many reasons why this is one of the hardest things for me to overcome.
It has gotten worse as time goes on because now I am reminded of the machine whenever I come in contact with certain things and claustrophobia kicks in. Such as an airplane, I love to travel, but it’s getting tough to take long flights now and I have to sit by the exit door or else it’s not happening. Other things include certain rides that strap you down or buildings that are too narrow, make me very uneasy now.
I believe that if I were able to walk again, I would get rid of this fear of being trapped in small spaces but I don’t think I would ever get over the fear of an MRI machine.
Many people try their hardest to avoid that fear but then there are those who try to look fear in the eyes. I was told that I should try meditation, therapy, hypnosis, and medication, but none of them have real helped me much. I have focused on my breathing when I start to get anxious and that has calmed me down in less serious occasions, but for other major incidents I just avoid it all together. Maybe it’s not the correct way to go about fears, but when you get horrifying news after ever scan, you eventually relate that object with traumatic events. Being in a wheelchair is an enormous challenge that I have to go through everyday and there is no way I can change it, but I didn’t give up, I’ve just learned to live this new way of life. Some things you can get over and you should work hard to try and resolve the problem, but then you have those things that are harder to keep fighting for so you should gracefully find a way to accept it and continue to live life to the fullest.
